Satirical publication: If Alampi wins, Kumquat will give Newhouse money

As Syracuse University’s unmatched and most unbiased news organization, The Kumquat (Like us on Facebook: The Kumquat. Subscribe to our YouTube channel: SyracuseKumquat. Follow us on Twitter: @SUKumquat. Send us nudes: [email protected]), would never under normal circumstances come out and endorse a Student Association presidential candidate.

But these are not normal circumstances, Syracuse University. This election is the most important our generation has faced. What we have seen through quite a long, and dare we say bitter, campaign process, are four very different candidates with very different views on how this university should be run.

What Syracuse University needs is something different. Something more. That’s why The Kumquat news team whole-heartedly endorses PJ Alampi. He’s more than a politician; he’s a friend. Don’t let the fact that he was in First Year Players turn you off. Despite popular belief, they are not a cult, but merely a close-knit student organization. They taught him loyalty, tolerance and a killer box step.

And while some candidates claim that lowering sorority and fraternity dues, increasing tuition and decreasing our scholarships will benefit the whole university, Alampi has your best interests in mind. In these tough times, Alampi plans to increase sorority dues, and everyone who can tell him a great sad story gets to go to the university for free.

State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry kids have been running rampant due to our university’s weak and disjointed immigration policies. Soon they’ll be taking our jobs, what’s left of our scholarships and our superior selection of females.

When neighboring schools like Onondaga Community College see these feeble policies, they translate to weakness. A weak Syracuse University is dangerous to all of New York, considering Cornell University is four years closer to having a better communications school. We need a leader that will assert SU’s authority in Upstate New York and beyond. Alampi will not stop fighting until a moat is built around this university, and is not afraid to use the rockets housed in Newhouse II to stop the growing threat of rising communications programs.

So make the right choice this week: Vote PJ Alampi. The Kumquat is willing to donate $3 billion to Newhouse if Alampi wins. If he doesn’t, it’s going to VPA. Choose wisely.

Fondly,
The Kumquat Team